Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
