can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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