you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
the day after is always just damage control
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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