haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
This is my gift to your gina
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
