I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
