based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
