I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
ttyl tear gas
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
