What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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