at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
