as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
