3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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