I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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