Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
