I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
