DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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