Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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