Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
