My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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