It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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