In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
