Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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