youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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