The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
