Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
