I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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