my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
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