I wish I only lived at night.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Randomize
