so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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