i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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