the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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