I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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