Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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