I cannot find my penis.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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