i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
