Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
