I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
