ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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