Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
