why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
