Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Randomize
