There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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