Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
