if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
