i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
