Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
