I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
