Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
