Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize