Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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