Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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