I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
