a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize