i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
