I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
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