I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
