I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
