Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
